Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

catch me on valentine’s day like

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Confused owl: What?!

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.