Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.