Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Pretty much! 😂👀
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”