Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents