Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
That’s incredible! 👌
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.