Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Shhh!
Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

Baller is short for ballerina

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Crying is a sign of leakness.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

podcasts

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No