Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family