Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*limbos under the caution tape
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi