might go to prison so i can focus on the gym properly
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You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.