might go to prison so i can focus on the gym properly
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?