Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
No.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”