Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

“I wouldn’t.”

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

A dad and his duck

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

twitter users today:

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…