Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna