Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I unironically love this joke.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Don’t talk down to me
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.