Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Jogging
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
