Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations