Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Just why bro?!
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.