Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim