Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why