might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
This sounds bad:
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
5 ways to appear taller
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy