Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend