Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
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Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.