Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Happy Febuary everyone!

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for