Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.