Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.