Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brands during Pride

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

some cats are just doing for fun!

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

Very good! 👍😂

“OMGJK” -atheists

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.