Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.