Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Watermelon Boss!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*