Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

This makes total sense…

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!