Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?