Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

Extremely relatable.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

Buying a well is money well spent.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39