Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Wasps: bees, but not helping

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”