Might start laying my own eggs
You Might Also Like
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
reduce, reuse, recycle
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me