Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
X-tra spooky blend
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.