Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin