Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
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A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid