Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.