Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
What the hell happened here.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.