Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?