Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.