Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

🐥🐣

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

He a real one for that

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Succinctly put.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.