Mike is short for Micycle
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’