Mike is short for Micycle
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Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
plums roundup
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.