Mike is short for Micycle
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fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Why font matters.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are