Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

For the orator and chef in all of us

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.