Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

im 7 sauces long

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.