Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work