Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.