Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

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9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?


One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.


A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the “wrong person,” which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.


[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*


*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?


WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS


“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.


Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW


My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”


“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.