9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?
Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.
9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the “wrong person,” which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW
My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.