Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.