Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.