Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG