Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Just got to our Airbnb!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.