Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.