Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die