Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”