@DanHirsch
@PatsATweetin
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
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@PatsATweetin
@CherBear162
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
@TumbIrHumor
the goat of all dad jokes
@ericsshadow
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
@dorsalstream
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
@broken_rhi
My new boyfriend and I have an interesting dynamic, like the peanut vendor at a crowded circus who doesn’t see the woman frantically waving a dollar bill, he still doesn’t seem to understand that we are dating.
@scottthetwat
Don’t blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.
@Chloestylo
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
@WilliamAder
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
@pondermymaker
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*