@DanHirsch
@eliyudin
I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway
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@eliyudin
@torrami
A dance club by night and coffee house by day, called Bump and Grind.
@yoyoha
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
@mattwhitlockPM
dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are
@Playing_Dad
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
@EZ_G
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
@amydillon
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
@SteveSuckington
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
@michaelianblack
As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
@Beatonm5
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??