@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

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@PatsATweetin

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

@CherBear162

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

@ericsshadow

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

@broken_rhi

My new boyfriend and I have an interesting dynamic, like the peanut vendor at a crowded circus who doesn’t see the woman frantically waving a dollar bill, he still doesn’t seem to understand that we are dating.

@Chloestylo

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

@WilliamAder

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?