I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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A dance club by night and coffee house by day, called Bump and Grind.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??