@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

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@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

@torrami

A dance club by night and coffee house by day, called Bump and Grind.

@yoyoha

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

@mattwhitlockPM

dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are

@Playing_Dad

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

@michaelianblack

As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.

@Beatonm5

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??