Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Never be a pizza!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.