mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Best table by far
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”