mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
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My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I have taken up painting
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.