Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.

That’s why… not cause he was right or anything

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Oh we’ve met.