Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

Got ya covered

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no