mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
#dalle2
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
need him
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.