Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

i just found this in my phone

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips