Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

This hospital has everything

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.