Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
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One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.