Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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Good morning, Twitter x
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.