Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.